Boundaries are Healthy
Working as a stylist behind the chair can be both challenging and rewarding for many reasons. It can be quite an intimate relationship, that of a stylist and client, and tows the line of professional and personal. Something that I always say when I’m teaching classes is: “You can care for someone genuinely and still run your business with integrity.” Of course our main objective is to take care of our clients at the highest level possible, but what I’ve learned over the years is that this shouldn’t be done at our own expense. Although the context here is about the stylist client relationship, this way of thinking (I believe) should be present in all interpersonal communication.
My mother died the year I started working at Stilisti. I was living in Boston, my sister in Florida and my parents in Maryland where I grew up. She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and just three weeks later was gone. It was sudden and shocking and awful. I’m not telling you this to look for sympathy, but rather to tell my story and share with you a painful example of how I learned the importance of boundaries.
People often think of trauma as a car accident or rape. But sudden loss of any kind is also trauma. So, although it was an illness that took my mothers’ life. It was sudden and it was traumatic. There are so many components to the healing process {which is ongoing and ever-evolving} and for me, grief was something I didn’t prefer to experience publicly. {Though, I have learned over the years, the importance of sharing in order to connect and how helpful it can be for myself and others grief journeys. As well as the ways in which I am comfortable doing so.} It was all consuming. In the immediate times after our loss, I am quite convinced I was held together solely by my family and friends. At this time in the salon, I was an assistant transitioning to being a stylist. Meaning, I knew a lot of clients in the salon, but was just starting to build my own book. Because I knew a lot of clients, and was missing from work a lot during this time, of course the word spread and people would offer their condolences. And I want to be clear that I truly am grateful for the love and support from everyone. I also want to acknowledge that there is no RIGHT thing to do or say during times of loss. It just sucks, and merely acknowledging that is appreciated.
That being said… When you are going through something challenging, whatever that may be, the last thing you want to do is talk about it over and over again. It’s like reopening a wound ten times a day. Like fuck, just put some Neosporin on it and let that shit heal a little bit before you touch it again.
I can’t remember the exact time frame, but honestly it doesn’t matter. It was for sure within the first year after her death. A co-worker was out sick and so one of her long time clients (whom I knew just from being in the salon) opted to have me cut their hair. After general pleasantries, they started asking questions about my family. I answered. The questions started getting more and more personal and they began sharing unsolicited advice. (About whether my father was dating and how they thought I should feel about that - just to give you an example of the way the conversation was going.) I could feel my heart beating faster, my palms were getting sweaty, but what was I supposed to do?! I felt trapped and compelled to keep answering him. He was easily my parents age and a long time client of my co-worker after all, I didn’t want to be rude. I was at his mercy. He kept pushing and pushing with the questions and opinions until my vision was blurry from tears welting in my eyes and I had to walk away mid-haircut.
After this experience, I remember being so angry. “He should know better, he’s somebody’s father. I’m just a kid to him, why would he treat me like that.” But truly, it was me that needed to “know better,” Some people might have been totally ok with that line of questioning. I was not. Those are MY boundaries. I had let my desire not to make someone else uncomfortable supersede my own need of being comfortable.
Still, 12 years later, I can sometimes struggle with the appropriate response when people ask about my family. But the point is that, while I don’t want to put someone off because of my response, my priority is MY feelings and what I am willing to share in that moment. And that’s ok. In fact, that’s more than ok. After all, we are the only ones who are completely and totally responsible for ourselves and our feelings. So, if I respond, “I genuinely appreciate your interest/concern (etc) in my life, and I ask that you respect my decision that it’s something I choose not to talk about at work. Thank you for understanding.” Read that again. “I genuinely appreciate your interest/concern (etc) in my life, and I ask that you respect my decision that it’s something I choose not to talk about at work. Thank you for understanding.” Know that, it’s really not you. It’s me. These are my boundaries, and just as I appreciate you respecting mine. I will respect yours. Not just at work, but in any situation in your life where you don’t want to talk about something. DON”T! Don’t sacrifice your feelings to make someone else more comfortable. Boundaries are healthy. And it’s a positive thing for you to figure out what yours are and define them in a polite way. with love, xxalexandra
